June 29, 2011

How to Really Abuse a Dog in Three Easy Steps

First, start by having the dog in front of you. Make loud silly noises at the dog with your mouth and lips such as bird noises, kissing noises, and/or raspberries noises. It is best to do what ever feels natural to you at the moment. There are no known limits on the type of acceptable noises to make.  The dog's tail and/or rear-end should start wagging vigorously.

Second, with your right hand, reach for the dog’s tail. He dog is not required to have a tail for this step, just pretend to reach for a possible tail. Before you should be able to reach his/her tail, the dog in theory should try to stop your right hand from reaching his/her tail by swinging his/her body and/or face to his/her left-side. At this point, you should pull your right hand back towards yourself. Now, use your left hand to reach for the dog’s tail on his/her right-side. Again, the dog should swing his/her body and/or face to his/her right-side. Repeat at least one more time on each side.

Third, in a kneeling position, make the loudest, over-exaggerated inhale of air, and hold. At this point, if you dog is familiar with this step, your dog may already have put him/herself in a down position and is now rolling over to expose his/her belly. If not, no problem, while still holding your breath, grab the dog and placing in a down position and roll dog onto his/her back exposing his/her belly. Next, proceed to lower your head towards the dog’s belly. If the dog is a female, otherwise known as a bitch, continue to lower your head until your lips meets her belly and exhale with tighten lips, this is sometimes referred to as “giving someone raspberries”. If the dog is a male, following the same step except land your lips on his chest area instead, as there may be obstacles in the way. Raise your head again back to the upright position and repeat step 3. Do as many times as the dog will let you until he/she gets up.

After step three, you may find the dog needs to  do some ‘victory laps’ around the room, house, and/or enclosed space with a giant grin on their face. They may or may not have their tongue hanging out to one side while running around.

If they come back to you, repeat the third step again. If they continue to come back, after the second repeat you may repeat step 1, 2, or 3 combined or singularly, and in any order. If the weather is wet out, you may find yourself do repeat applications of steps; this is normal and acceptable.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for your dog becoming blitzed out of his/her mind, destruction of furniture or other possessions from your dog running and knocking thing about following the application of above mentioned steps; nor, am I responsible for any drool stains on carpet, bedding, or furniture caused by your dog after taking a long nap after application of above mentioned steps. Please consult a veterinarian prior to following any of the above mentioned steps. If planning of planning of repeating any of the above mentioned steps more than 4 times, I recommend you consult your own physician before continuing.

Secret Lives of Pretty In Pink Dogs

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